What am I?

Why is it that some people struggle with that question, perhaps for their whole lives, and to others that question never enters their conciousness? I am certain that this post will not answer that question but perhaps some perspective about my own life could be helpful if you struggle as I do. I seem to be the type of person who is OK, pretty much, with the way that things are. By that I mean that mostly I don't hold strong opinions. I enjoy mexican and chinese food. I like casual and formal occasions. I can drink beer or wine. Now, that is not to say that I wouldn't prefer drinking wine at a casual mexican restaurant but I can also go the other way. And that is true about most things in my life.

Thinking back to my childhood I think the same was true then. However, as each of us grows up the pressures of the world can start to impose themselves on us. Most often, sometime in High School or College, we get the idea that we need to get "serious" about our lives. The implication being that playtime is over and we need to stop fooling around and "make something" of ourselves. I think that many people benefit from, or even need, that kind of nudge into "productive society."

I have siblings who never needed anyone to tell them anything of the sort. They knew from an early age the direction they were going. I have siblings who seem to have benefitted from that type of encouragement. For a long while I would have included myself as one who needed some outside encouragement. That is until now.

I have recently started thinking about my life in the context of relative freedom. You see I was fired from my last job but my family is able to survive on my wifes income. It is easy for me to stay home and play father to my two girls. However, that leaves me with an unanswered and troubling question. What should I do with my life?

I know that in my heart lies a mission, a drive, a passion. What I have lost over these years is my connection to it. A long time ago when I was still connected to my passion, somehow, I heard a louder voice that told me to make something of myself. When I chose to hear that voice from outside of me it seemed natural to listen to what it recommended I do. After all that outside voice knew the world and seemed to know me.

If you have lost your passion, your drive, your mission, you can know that it is not lost forever. You, like I, have temporarily lost connection with it. We have heard and focused in on the louder more seemingly sensible voice. The way for me to return to my passion is to know that it is there and tune my hearing for a quiet but strong voice. Just like the sun on a cloudy day, my passion has not gone away but is hidden, someday to return and bathe me in the warmth that is my birthright. I look forward to that day.