Being Picked

Recently a family from our local area relocated to another state. During their last week in town there were a number of going away parties where friends they had made had a chance to reminisce about shared experiences and express well wishes for the days ahead. One member of the family, a girl, has been particularly special to us. She is the same age as one of my daughters and I have had the privilege of coaching her on a number of sports teams.

This family is not like most of us. They are foreigners in this land. Their native tongue is not English and so, at times, they stand out from others. Their daughter stood out to a particular class mate and unfortunately was the object of regular, unkind, teasing. If you have ever been picked on you know that it can be tough. It is tough on the child but also tough on the parent. As a parent you want to do or say something so that your child doesn’t have to endure the pain of being picked on. Oftentimes that is not possible. Luckily, children usually find a way to endure situations that they face. This child had endured the teasing and remained a positive, happy, confident child. However, in this case, the parents were able to do something to address the situation. Not on purpose mind you but it turned out that the tormenter would lose their victim when the family left town.

However, the story doesn’t end there. It was during one of this child’s last days in class that her tormenter came up to talk to her. The tormentor said, “I am sorry. I felt that I had to pick on someone so that I would not get picked on myself. I chose you because I thought that you were strong enough to endure the teasing. It was nothing personal. I am sorry.” Wow, nothing personal!? Is that statement amazing? Yes! However, perhaps it isn’t as unusual as we might think. This person was themself in a situation whereby they felt powerless. Sadly they felt that their only option was to take out their situation on someone else. But they acted that way not with gladness or happiness but with sadness and regret. They felt such sadness that they expressed a heartfelt apology for the pain they had caused.

How might we feel about a person who taunted someone close to us if we felt they were doing it maliciously? We might feel angry, mad, and vengeful. How do those feelings change if we feel that this person is acting this way out of their own insecurity and fear? We might have feelings of compassion, caring and humility. Strangely, the only thing that has changed in these two examples is our belief about the reason behind someone’s actions which we can not know. Perhaps this case gives us a reason to look again at situations we are in and help us to see that there may be a reason behind the reason.